If you’re like a lot of guys, it’s a complete mystery to you how a woman decides who she’s attracted to. You’ve seen two guys that seemed about the same to you approach women. One gets shot down while the other gets the girl, and you can’t see what made the difference.
On the one hand, there are some mysterious forces going on here. Pheromones, those invisible chemicals that send messages we can’t control, make a difference in which man is attractive to which woman. You also can’t control the fact that you might look like her jerk of an ex-boyfriend or your voice reminds her of the high school math teacher she hated. These things happen, and there’s nothing you can do about them besides move on.
On the other hand, there are a lot of factors under your control in the attraction equation. If you get those factors right, she’ll find you hard to resist. If you get them wrong, she won’t give you the time of day.
Here’s what to avoid when trying to attract a woman, and what to do instead:
Don’t be a stinky slob. It’s called body odor, not body perfume. Shower it away. A woman likes a clean-smelling man. A little aftershave or cologne can be nice, too – emphasis on “a little”. But one of the sexiest smells for a lot of women is that fresh from the shower, just a hint of soap smell.
Women also like guys who look like they’ve made an effort with their appearance. Whether that means a dress shirt and tie or just clean jeans and a shirt without holes depends on your personal style and where you’re going. The point is, clean, wrinkle-free, and stain-free. If in doubt, lean towards a little more dressy rather than a little less dressy.
Why? When you take care of your appearance, this sends signals to a woman.
–For one thing, it tells them that you’re confident you are attractive. A sloppy appearance looks more like you think you won’t look good anyway, so why bother?
-Another signal it sends is that you’re not helpless. You know where a shower and washing machine are, and you know how to use them. Unless a woman is interested in being your mommy, she’ll appreciate knowing that you have it together better than a lot of men.
-Finally and most importantly, it also tells a woman that you care enough about what she thinks that you’re trying to impress her. All people, men and women both, like to feel as if their opinion matters.
Don’t be (too) convinced of your own awesomeness. Confidence is sexy, but arrogance is not. When you’re arrogant, you act like you’re better than everyone else, never make mistakes, and have a right to treat others badly because they aren’t as awesome as you. Here’s what you’re telling a woman buy being arrogant: You’re better than her, she’s always going to be wrong, and you’re going to treat her like crap. What woman would be attracted to that?
On the flip side, you’ve got guys who are desperate to prove their own awesomeness. So they brag. All. The. Time. Don’t be that guy. You’ve heard the expression about showing vs. telling? Show you’re an awesome guy by treating her well, and you’ll never have to say a word about how great you are.
That said, it doesn’t hurt to make yourself stand out from the crowd a bit by talking about your accomplishments and interests. No, that’s not a contradiction. The key to attracting a woman is all in how you talk about yourself.
-Instead of bragging about how you’re the best rock climber this side of the Rocky Mountains, tell a funny story about when you went rock climbing. Leave out how incredible you are at it. If she’s into outdoor activities, she’ll be intrigued by the rock-climbing itself. When she finds out later that you’re awesome at it, the fact that you didn’t brag will make you look even better.
-Make it a conversation, not a monologue. When you talk about your interests, give her chances to respond. Whether she asks you questions about your interest or shares one of her own, the fact that you’re talking to her rather than at her is appealing.
-Take an interest in her accomplishments and interests, too. When all you talk about is yourself, you come across as being full of yourself even if you aren’t. Give her a chance to tell you what she’s done or what she’s into. If she doesn’t volunteer the information, ask.
Don’t be on the lookout for something more interesting. When you’re talking to a woman, keep your eyes on her most of the time. You’re not having a staring contest, but you also shouldn’t be looking around the room constantly as if you’re trying to find someone more attractive. That’s a huge turn-off – no one wants to feel like they’re second best. (Along the same lines, don’t act like your phone is more attractive than she is, either. If it’s not an emergency, don’t call, text, or browse social media while you’re talking to her.)
Don’t be focused on sex. You may be hoping for sex. That’s fine. But don’t make it obvious that your only interest in her is sex. If you do, she probably won’t have any interest in you. Women usually want to see if there’s a connection on a personal level before moving to the sexual level. So don’t …
-Stare at her chest – or any other part of her body – more than her face.
-Try to get her number without spending the time figuring out if you even like each other’s personalities.
-Talk about sex or your sexual conquests. Those conversations might come up later in your relationship. The first time or two that you meet? Keep the conversation on non-sexual topics unless she makes it clear she wants those conversations.
-Try to kiss too soon. A good rule of thumb: the first time you meet is usually too soon. This may vary a bit depending on the situation and what she wants, but if in doubt, don’t even go there.
Figuring out how to attract a woman isn’t as mysterious as it might seem at first. Just follow some simple rules: look good, smell good, don’t act like an arrogant jerk, and don’t make her feel like you’re only in it for what you can get. Women are attracted to confident men who treat them well, so be that guy.